Blog
post! It’s been a crazy week with preschool, sick kids, preschool
make up days, extra guitar lessons, canceled guitar lessons, extra
writing to catch up with my writers group, cars breaking down, cars
getting fixed, trying to sell a car, and working on refinancing the
house. So I have done terribly with posting this week. I’m going to
try and be better, use some time to get a little ahead and write a
few extra posts today. It’s Sunday, so we’re on a “whatever I’m
thinking about” day, and today I’m thinking about time. Not
surprisingly.
I
don’t have extra time. Every minute of my life is scheduled pretty
tightly from the moment I wake up in the morning until after dinner,
when I finally have some time to do housework. Between preschool,
guitar lessons, writing, my sons’ taekwondo lessons, homemaking,
and taking time to spend with my family, I have no minutes left over.
Because that list is not a weekly schedule, it’s a daily one.
This
isn’t to say “oh poor me,” or “look how busy I am,” I share
this because when I say I know something about feeling busy and
overwhelmed I want you to believe me. I want you to know that I
understand. Finding time to schedule doctor visits or visiting
friends requires extra juggling and sometimes seems impossible.
Regardless of how much I enjoy or value what I do everyday, I still
have mornings where I want to stay in bed and pull the covers up over
my head and pretend no one will miss me if I don’t get up.
Not
to say I don’t have fun. I enjoy teaching because I love the a-hah
moments kids have. Those are awesome. And I know I am so blessed to
be able to work from home so I can be here with my kids. I am
grateful for that. But it means I am never not at work. Literally. My
commute is fantastic, sure, but I live at my job, just like every
other stay at home mom. I can’t clock out. I never get to be away
from my work station, and no matter what I’m doing I feel like I
should be doing something else.
Every
working mom feels like that. Frankly I think every mom is a working
mom whether you get a paycheck with your name on it or not. Every
minute of our lives we are pulled in more directions than should be
physically possible in a four dimensional universe. If we do the
dishes, we’re guilty that we’re not playing with our kids.
Playing with our kids we worry about the dishes. Doing the dishes
after the kids are in bed makes you worry that you’re not spending
time with your 9-5 spouse (which really becomes more of a 7-7 or 6-10
for most of them).
I
put out a plea on Facebook for an unpaid intern who would come and be
my assistant. One of my favorite girls responded asking what said
intern would do. Well, I need someone to come and help me actually
finish one checklist- just one- that I could get every item done
before I had to add another ten things to the bottom. Time runs away
from me and before I’ve finished half the things I want to get done
it’s bedtime. Sometimes I resent the medication I have to take-
narcolepsy treatment requires that I go to bed at the same time every
night and wake up the same time every morning. But I should be
grateful for it. Without that kind of regulation I don’t know if
I’d ever get to bed.
Because
lists never get done, and if I didn’t sleep and take my meds I
wouldn’t be functional. But what about everything else I want to
do? All the things I want to get done for me- where are those on my
list? That’s easy, they’re at the bottom. And they keep staying
at the bottom. My husband is a wonderful man and knows how passionate
I am about writing, and so he’s been glorious in helping. He’s
taken over several chores, like emptying the dishwasher and making
breakfast so I have some time somewhere to write. He’s gotten me a
keyboard so I can take the iPad with me to the boys’ lessons so I
can write while they learn to defend themselves. He let me have the
computer for a week and took care of the boys every evening so I
could learn to and design my own website.
That
kind of support is invaluable. He is awesome. But he can't do a third
of the things on my list because of how much time he spends earning
money to support us. So there still isn’t enough time in my day.
What do I need to do? Time management isn’t the issue. I’ve done
the seminars and taken the classes and trust me, my time is managed
to the minute. Cut back? Also not so possible. Everything I do in the
day is important, and the only thing that could viably be cut is my
writing, which is the one thing I’m doing for me. And I’m willing
to go a little crazy to keep that.
Is
that crazy? Right now I'm working two full time jobs (mother and
preschool teacher) and one part time job (guitar lessons). Then add
church callings and spouse time on top of those, and trying to write
seems pretty selfish. There isn't any time left that I can use: I
only have time to write if I take it from somewhere else.
So
far I've been stealing time to write from my physical therapy. I'm
supposed to do physical therapy for a half an hour every day to keep
my blood flowing and my muscles flexible and to fight my aggressive
arthritis. Haven't been doing it. Been writing instead. And I can
definitely feel a difference in my body, but I've been trying to make
up for it by being extra active during preschool. Not the same, but
something I can do without giving up writing.
I
try to take time to read and study, but that time comes out of
something else. Then I don't work out and that makes me feel terrible
about myself because one of my new medications has the glorious side
effect of me gaining 15 pounds in the last few weeks. My pants don't
fit and I feel bloated and awful. Then I escape by writing and feel
more myself but my preschool lesson prep didn't get quite finished,
so even though the kids love it when I wing it (winging it almost
always involves more games and songs and silly dancing) I feel more
stressed.
Maybe
it isn't worth it. Maybe nothing will come of all this writing and
work and all the time I've spent on it will have been merely to prove
to myself that I can't make it as an author, so I can let go of the
dream and focus on my life here and now. But I don't want to. I don't
want all the fight and struggle of getting the manuscript finished to
have been just for me. I write because I'm passionate about it, but
also because I believe I have something to say.
What
are you doing every day for just you? There isn’t always time, and
sometimes life goes crazy and every plate you’re trying to keep in
the air crashes down. You don’t have time then. But sometimes those
are the times when it’s the most important to take time for you.
Crazy and stress needs a break from crazy and stress and doing
something you love is good for you.
So
why is it so freaking hard to find the time? Because we're good
people. We want to fulfill our commitments and never let anybody
down. We want to help each other and be good spouses and good
parents. We have worthy goals. But life these days is so busy and
hectic and noisy that there is no extra time. I have often fantasized
about being able to split myself into two people from 8:00 in the
morning to 8:00 at night so that one of me could live the life I have
now and the other could live the life I want. The only problem I
can't resolve is if the working out half of my self does counts for
both of me, then the aging I do counts for both of me too.
So
multiple mes is out. But what do I do? I keep trying. I get up in the
morning when my day starts out already behind, and plow through.
Because in my mind, there is no other choice. I'm going to do it
because it needs to be done, and I am the person there is to do it. I
will not give up because this is the life I've chosen for myself, and
if I don't have time to live it all, I will spend every day getting
done as much as I can.
This post makes me all the more impressed that you want to host a bunch of us for a few days (almost a week!). Are you crazy? See you in 10 days.
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